09.26.04
AmericanSoft Cookies (macadamia)
I love this packaging, which is why this comes to y’all on the review today. First: AmericanSoft, one word. I have to ask is there also GermanSoft or PeruvianSoft or even NigerianSoft? Are there differences? What should I expect from an IsraeliSoft cookie that makes it different from a GuatemalanSoft cookie? Or do the cookies reference Americans as people, say something like “This cookie is as soft as an American!” It gives me a visual image of a bunch of people petting cookies and then petting people to see exactly how soft the cookie rates in comparison. “Hmmm, Australians are definitely much softer than our cookie. Next nationality please”.
OK, OK they are probably tying into the whole Keebler Soft Batch type of cookie which brings me to the first taste observation about AmericanSoft cookies. They make Keebler Soft Batch taste like an award winning gourmet cookie. Folks, this is not my quote either and the review only goes downhill from here.
Let me start at the beginning. After unwrapping the package, we discovered that each individual AmericanSoft cookie was again wrapped up. Right. So we opened our individual cookie and a breath of something vaguely pina colada smelling greeted our noses. I don’t mind the smell of pina colada, but it does make me a little leery when coconut doesn’t appear on the ingredient list. Hmmm! Perhaps rye flour, prune paste and raisin paste combine to create a smell akin to coconut and run. Who knows.
Hey, I was already disturbed by the package’s exclamation that these cookies are “Chewing!” What does THAT mean? No coconut and chewing, it’s a cookie straight out of Steven King.
Assuming that the package was trying to boast “chewy” and not that the cookies themselves had small teeth and were quite good at masticating (although, that would explain the double wrapping) I’ll admit that they did indeed achieve this goal. Chewy these cookies are. I noticed the chewiness through the intense chemical flavor, and through the poor chocolate quality of the chips and through the disgustingly moodgie texture of the macadamia nuts. Yup, they nailed chewy. In fact, that was about their best quality, so should you try one of these out, focus on the chewy. It will hurt a lot less.
The bad thing about the whole experience is that the cookies aren’t hideously terrible (although their lingering aftertaste could definitely qualify for annoyingly nasty). Rob’s comment of “Well, they aren’t good but there are a whole lot of worse things out there” pretty much nails the experience. If you are looking for a tasty cookie, this is not it. If you are looking for a chewy cookie, this is your man. Or cookie. Or whatever. Your best bet is to look somewhere else because while just this side of edible, that’s a lot of saki to drink to make them so. Plus, anything that garners the comment, “This cookie has done something to my stomach that 17 servings of bacon cheesey fries could not” probably should just be left alone. Preferably on the shelf.
Because AmericanSoft cookies qualify as food in the most basic sense and because, yes they were chewy and because maybe chemical dough, cheap ass chocolate chip and dreadful macadamia nodules actually go well with a gallon of saki, I’m going to give these a
Rating of 1 Wasabi Pea out of a possible 5.
